10.14.09
A breath of fresh air.
It’s been awhile since I’ve updated, yet feels like SO much has happened in my life.
How to even begin?
At least for now, I need go to studying for my massive amounts of midterms.
At least a peak into life.
[1] working at Victoria’s Secret
[2] got into the lab that I REALLY needed to graduate on time
[3] finally moved on from Dustin. Still think his girlfriend is dumb as bricks, but what can we do.
[4] reconnected with Nathan.
[5] … making new friends. trying to maintain the old. and loving all of them.
[6] need to slow down from the going out all the time with Gareth and Erin.
Ok… studying it is. 
04.14.09
being with you is so dysfunctional i really shouldn’t miss you but i can’t let you go…
Enjoying Kelly Clarkson… -.-”
It’s been awhile since I’ve written and honestly there are so many things that I don’t even know how to write them…
School has been just the same as always. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I do it because I have to or because I enjoy it. There has just been so much homework and reading that I don’t really get the chance to get any rest before I need to continue moving forward.
At the very least I’m only taking 3 classes this quarter and so I can hopefully do a little bit more breathing than if I had taken my original 4 or 5 classes.
Things with Dustin are just the same as always. Always changing and never easier.
He told me the other night that he loves Nicole. And she loves him too. I had asked him during spring break whether or not he loved her. I struggled with the idea of him telling her that he loved her when I wasn’t allowed to say it to him until it meant that I wanted to be with him forever. He told me no and apparently … because I’m fantastic like that … he took what I said to heart and thought about it and came to the realization that he loved her.
How can I be angry? How can I be upset about something that I understand.
Love is so beyond explanations of any kind and yet… I want so desperately to hate them both.
I have come to terms with the fact that I bent over backwards to try and get him to love me again… and yet I can’t really see any good that I did.
All I ever did was hurt myself and put myself in the position to get hurt over and over again.
Even so… I can’t think of taking things back because I wanted so much for him to be happy and to be able to find what he wanted in life. I can’t take it back simply because he decided that what made him happy in life wasn’t me.
He told me that ….
I think I’m going to do some reading and get my mind off this.
Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go
04.02.09
and i believe there’s good in everybody’s heart…
Been thoroughly enjoy Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along Blog since I finally watched it during Spring Break last week. … in the middle of McDonalds. haha
Just more depressing stuff…. in case you want to pass on that. lol
03.23.09
i am a flower quickly fading
Yesterday, I went to church with Joyce. My parents had heard of a church nearby that was supposed to have a good EM. So waking up around 8:30 I was told that the service was at 9:30. After eating and getting dressed, I was awake, but feeling not too hopeful about it.
We went in and it was… not that full at all. We looked at each other and kind of thought how good can this EM be if there aren’t any people here. It slowly filled as the service began late. A little skeptical, but feeling good at being in church for the first time in awhile, I just let myself go.
03.16.09
after all we’re only human
Some late night thoughts…
I feel like my life has been really overwhelming lately, but I haven’t even been able to sort through my thoughts at all. I feel like I would be able to make more peace with the situation, if I sat down and thought about each thing. So I guess I’ll just do a list.. cause lists are fun like that. [and it might help clear things from my previous entry about some random things here and there from last weekend...]
when we saw things through each other’s eyes
Human – Jon McLaughlin
Can you tell me how we got in this situation
I can’t seem to get you off my mind
All these ups and downs they
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was an easy ride
After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving
After all
Can we get back to the point in this conversation
Where we saw things through each other’s eyes
Cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
We all need some place we can hide inside
After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving
I’m smart enough to know that life goes by
And it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind
If you feel I’m letting go, just give me time
I’ll come running to your side
Can you tell me how we got into this situation
I can’t seem to get you off my mind
After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other human
GOALS
- Lose weight. Current weight: 120 lbs
- Finish term paper and turn in on Wednesday by 5 pm
- Make it alive through finals.
- …. Heal instead of hurting.
03.10.09
you spin my head right round right down…
I feel like everything in my life is falling apart….
This weekend was supposed to be amazing… be this experience that was supposed to be a high point in my life.
With how difficult things have been recently with recovering from the break up and just general stress, I figured this would be a good change of pace. Go to UCLA, visit Alison, spend time with her before she went to NorCal.
And so… I went to UCLA, but after that, it just kind of all fell apart.
I’ll probably talk about it more later…. I don’t really have it in me to talk about it right now. To talk about what happened and the fact that I just forever lost my best friend of 6 years. The only person that really knew me inside and out and… was there for me through 4 of the hardest years of my life.
And then to come back and to deal with more stuff down here.
Now I also lost someone that I really care about here in San Diego.
And who knows if Ryan will ever talk to me ever again….
Thank God I at least have my BFFL [we decided that bffl was more correct than bff]…. I would have fallen apart beyond fixing if I didn’t have at least that.
btw… for some reason I REALLY like Right Round by Flo Rida
03.07.09
revelations!
so…. i’ve come to realize that….
Dustin was never really a good boyfriend. But he was always a great best friend.
And realizing that allows me to really move on and to be his friend and to know that we can be in each other’s lives without suffering and without hating each other.
I have a bff.
We can be friends and we can continue on with all the good things that we had. Maybe we were never meant to be together the way that we were before. Maybe it’s our friendship that got us this far, and now that we know what parts were good… we’re keeping those parts?
We can still talk. I can get advice. We can exchange stories, stay in each other’s lives in a way that is not painful, hurtful, depressing or… upsetting in any way.
Granted, I’m not going to lie, there are some parts that I’ll miss that we can’t have now, but I think it’s for the better.
Now I can be happy for him… and work at not disliking Nicole so much. Who knows.. maybe I’ll even like her at some point, but lets not ask too much for now?
And honestly…. I feel like I’m healing. Actually moving on and continuing in my life without feeling so lost. Without crying myself to sleep, or feeling depressed and alone.
A new chapter in our lives….
03.04.09
lets see….
So they’re dating… already.
My goodness that was quick. Hopefully it’ll work. They have a lot of things to work through, including the distance and… lack of money, etc etc etc…..
You know, I really do want him to be happy… because I care about him, but there are decisions that he makes that I just really don’t agree with. And it’s difficult because he has a lot of debts to pay off and he’s dating someone, which means either he’ll be a really bad boyfriend, or he’ll be wasting money on her that’s supposed to be going towards things that are MUCH more pressing….
Not to mention… he owes me money so…. if I say something about him spending money on her instead of paying me back… does that make me the crazy bitchy ex girlfriend?
He starts work today.
Lets hope this job lasts…. and that he likes it.
03.03.09
strong
Being strong isn’t not breaking down
Being strong isn’t not being scared
