January 2, 2011
trying to get back in touch…
It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here, but I just really felt the need to write this down, so that I would have it somewhere to look at and to not forget.
Along with the events of this past month, and the craziness that it’s included has been a desire to really reconnect with God. To be closer to my Lord and Savior and to REALLY remember that, that is who he is. That he’s not some nameless, faceless person far far away, but that he’s close to me and should be something and someone really close to my heart.
I’ve been trying to remind myself that it’s important to take the time to include him in my life. To remember that it takes work and energy to maintain any relationship, and why should I give less to the most important relationship of my life. As a result, I’ve been pushing the goal that every time that I want to do something that isn’t really meaningful, like watch a tv show, read a book, browse the internet, that first, I sit down and I read from the Bible. To really be able to focus all of my energy towards building my relationship first, and then entertaining myself second.
I just wanted to leave with this:
“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” Ephesians 3: 17,18
I hope that this year will be a blessed one. Full of promises anew and the devotion to be more like him who strengthens us!!!!
February 14, 2010
been awhile
It’s hard to take the time to write down my thoughts and to really think about things that are going on.
It’s odd thinking about how much changes from each time that I post something.
Lately more than things like, oh, I’m not friends with Nate anymore or that Dustin and I aren’t talking. I have been thinking a lot about my life and where I’m at right now.
With Valentine’s Day I’ve really been thinking about where I wanted to be at this point in my life when I was younger. It’s not like I’m old now, but sometimes I definitely feel that way. When I was little, ever since I was in elementary school I knew what I REALLY wanted out of life. I wanted to find the man of my dreams, get married, have beautiful children and be a fantastic wife/mom. NOW…. before there are cries of outrage, I’m not the an feminist’s dream. I LOVE the idea of being a great mother and wife, especially if I can stay at home with my kids and not have to worry about working.
I always thought that I could achieve this dream and be in a serious relationship by now. Be married and have my first child by like.. 23, but seeing how I’m 21 and turning 22 this year… that seems quite unlikely. Especially since that means that I have to be pregnant by this time next year and I find that quite unlikely. Although I would be completely blessed if I found that kind of happiness in my life in the next year of my life.
I’ve been working really hard at trying not to dwell on being alone. I mean… after all the stuff that I’ve gone through I guess I can’t help but be grateful that I’m not broken and depressed because of a guy right now. Despite how stressful work and school are, I’m glad that I have them.
I’m working really hard at paying off the debt that I still have because of Dustin. It’s difficult that he never paid me back for anything that he owed me, but I hope that he’s back on his feet and doing well. I hear that he’s getting more hours at work and I can’t help but be happy for him. Although… I still have another two thousand to go before I’m done paying off “his” debt, I’m doing good. I’m working hard and when this is all done I can finally have a clean slate. Free from everything that I have gone through in my past.
I’m taking the most ridiculous class this quarter with HDP 191, but it’s amazing too. I start my days surrounded by the most adorable little children. They are all between the ages of one and two and they constantly remind me how wonderful God is and how unique we all are. I LOVE being around them. But at the same time it’s really making me think about the fact that it seems so far away for me. There are a TON of people on facebook, people that I went to high school with and they’re all pregnant and/or married and/or already have children. How is that possible!?! They’re all the same age that I am or even younger. OMG I feel like I’m running out of time and I’m only 21!!!! sigh.
Plus…. it’s bad when you dream about being pregnant. ARGH.
Anyways… other than that… just doing the best that I can to make it through school. But the dread really kicks in when I think about the fact that I’m graduating… What do I do when I’m done with school? What will I do? Where will I go?
Off to bed. Just needed to get a little off my mind.
October 14, 2009
A breath of fresh air.
It’s been awhile since I’ve updated, yet feels like SO much has happened in my life.
How to even begin?
At least for now, I need go to studying for my massive amounts of midterms.
At least a peak into life.
[1] working at Victoria’s Secret
[2] got into the lab that I REALLY needed to graduate on time
[3] finally moved on from Dustin. Still think his girlfriend is dumb as bricks, but what can we do.
[4] reconnected with Nathan.
[5] … making new friends. trying to maintain the old. and loving all of them.
[6] need to slow down from the going out all the time with Gareth and Erin.
Ok… studying it is. 
April 14, 2009
being with you is so dysfunctional i really shouldn’t miss you but i can’t let you go…
Enjoying Kelly Clarkson… -.-”
It’s been awhile since I’ve written and honestly there are so many things that I don’t even know how to write them…
School has been just the same as always. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I do it because I have to or because I enjoy it. There has just been so much homework and reading that I don’t really get the chance to get any rest before I need to continue moving forward.
At the very least I’m only taking 3 classes this quarter and so I can hopefully do a little bit more breathing than if I had taken my original 4 or 5 classes.
Things with Dustin are just the same as always. Always changing and never easier.
He told me the other night that he loves Nicole. And she loves him too. I had asked him during spring break whether or not he loved her. I struggled with the idea of him telling her that he loved her when I wasn’t allowed to say it to him until it meant that I wanted to be with him forever. He told me no and apparently … because I’m fantastic like that … he took what I said to heart and thought about it and came to the realization that he loved her.
How can I be angry? How can I be upset about something that I understand.
Love is so beyond explanations of any kind and yet… I want so desperately to hate them both.
I have come to terms with the fact that I bent over backwards to try and get him to love me again… and yet I can’t really see any good that I did.
All I ever did was hurt myself and put myself in the position to get hurt over and over again.
Even so… I can’t think of taking things back because I wanted so much for him to be happy and to be able to find what he wanted in life. I can’t take it back simply because he decided that what made him happy in life wasn’t me.
He told me that ….
I think I’m going to do some reading and get my mind off this.
Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go
April 2, 2009
and i believe there’s good in everybody’s heart…
Been thoroughly enjoy Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along Blog since I finally watched it during Spring Break last week. … in the middle of McDonalds. haha
Just more depressing stuff…. in case you want to pass on that. lol
March 23, 2009
i am a flower quickly fading
Yesterday, I went to church with Joyce. My parents had heard of a church nearby that was supposed to have a good EM. So waking up around 8:30 I was told that the service was at 9:30. After eating and getting dressed, I was awake, but feeling not too hopeful about it.
We went in and it was… not that full at all. We looked at each other and kind of thought how good can this EM be if there aren’t any people here. It slowly filled as the service began late. A little skeptical, but feeling good at being in church for the first time in awhile, I just let myself go.
March 16, 2009
after all we’re only human
Some late night thoughts…
I feel like my life has been really overwhelming lately, but I haven’t even been able to sort through my thoughts at all. I feel like I would be able to make more peace with the situation, if I sat down and thought about each thing. So I guess I’ll just do a list.. cause lists are fun like that. [and it might help clear things from my previous entry about some random things here and there from last weekend...]
when we saw things through each other’s eyes
Human – Jon McLaughlin
Can you tell me how we got in this situation
I can’t seem to get you off my mind
All these ups and downs they
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was an easy ride
After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving
After all
Can we get back to the point in this conversation
Where we saw things through each other’s eyes
Cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
We all need some place we can hide inside
After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving
I’m smart enough to know that life goes by
And it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind
If you feel I’m letting go, just give me time
I’ll come running to your side
Can you tell me how we got into this situation
I can’t seem to get you off my mind
After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other human
GOALS
- Lose weight. Current weight: 120 lbs
- Finish term paper and turn in on Wednesday by 5 pm
- Make it alive through finals.
- …. Heal instead of hurting.
March 10, 2009
you spin my head right round right down…
I feel like everything in my life is falling apart….
This weekend was supposed to be amazing… be this experience that was supposed to be a high point in my life.
With how difficult things have been recently with recovering from the break up and just general stress, I figured this would be a good change of pace. Go to UCLA, visit Alison, spend time with her before she went to NorCal.
And so… I went to UCLA, but after that, it just kind of all fell apart.
I’ll probably talk about it more later…. I don’t really have it in me to talk about it right now. To talk about what happened and the fact that I just forever lost my best friend of 6 years. The only person that really knew me inside and out and… was there for me through 4 of the hardest years of my life.
And then to come back and to deal with more stuff down here.
Now I also lost someone that I really care about here in San Diego.
And who knows if Ryan will ever talk to me ever again….
Thank God I at least have my BFFL [we decided that bffl was more correct than bff]…. I would have fallen apart beyond fixing if I didn’t have at least that.
btw… for some reason I REALLY like Right Round by Flo Rida
March 7, 2009
revelations!
so…. i’ve come to realize that….
Dustin was never really a good boyfriend. But he was always a great best friend.
And realizing that allows me to really move on and to be his friend and to know that we can be in each other’s lives without suffering and without hating each other.
I have a bff.
We can be friends and we can continue on with all the good things that we had. Maybe we were never meant to be together the way that we were before. Maybe it’s our friendship that got us this far, and now that we know what parts were good… we’re keeping those parts?
We can still talk. I can get advice. We can exchange stories, stay in each other’s lives in a way that is not painful, hurtful, depressing or… upsetting in any way.
Granted, I’m not going to lie, there are some parts that I’ll miss that we can’t have now, but I think it’s for the better.
Now I can be happy for him… and work at not disliking Nicole so much. Who knows.. maybe I’ll even like her at some point, but lets not ask too much for now?
And honestly…. I feel like I’m healing. Actually moving on and continuing in my life without feeling so lost. Without crying myself to sleep, or feeling depressed and alone.
A new chapter in our lives….
