Enjoying Kelly Clarkson… -.-”

It’s been awhile since I’ve written and honestly there are so many things that I don’t even know how to write them…

School has been just the same as always. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I do it because I have to or because I enjoy it. There has just been so much homework and reading that I don’t really get the chance to get any rest before I need to continue moving forward.

At the very least I’m only taking 3 classes this quarter and so I can hopefully do a little bit more breathing than if I had taken my original 4 or 5 classes.

Things with Dustin are just the same as always. Always changing and never easier.

He told me the other night that he loves Nicole. And she loves him too. I had asked him during spring break whether or not he loved her. I struggled with the idea of him telling her that he loved her when I wasn’t allowed to say it to him until it meant that I wanted to be with him forever. He told me no and apparently …  because I’m fantastic like that … he took what I said to heart and thought about it and came to the realization that he loved her.

How can I be angry? How can I be upset about something that I understand.

Love is so beyond explanations of any kind and yet… I want so desperately to hate them both.

I have come to terms with the fact that I bent over backwards to try and get him to love me again… and yet I can’t really see any good that I did.

All I ever did was hurt myself and put myself in the position to get hurt over and over again.

Even so… I can’t think of taking things back because I wanted so much for him to be happy and to be able to find what he wanted in life. I can’t take it back simply because he decided that what made him happy in life wasn’t me.

He told me that ….

I think I’m going to do some reading and get my mind off this.

Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go