February 14, 2010
been awhile
It’s hard to take the time to write down my thoughts and to really think about things that are going on.
It’s odd thinking about how much changes from each time that I post something.
Lately more than things like, oh, I’m not friends with Nate anymore or that Dustin and I aren’t talking. I have been thinking a lot about my life and where I’m at right now.
With Valentine’s Day I’ve really been thinking about where I wanted to be at this point in my life when I was younger. It’s not like I’m old now, but sometimes I definitely feel that way. When I was little, ever since I was in elementary school I knew what I REALLY wanted out of life. I wanted to find the man of my dreams, get married, have beautiful children and be a fantastic wife/mom. NOW…. before there are cries of outrage, I’m not the an feminist’s dream. I LOVE the idea of being a great mother and wife, especially if I can stay at home with my kids and not have to worry about working.
I always thought that I could achieve this dream and be in a serious relationship by now. Be married and have my first child by like.. 23, but seeing how I’m 21 and turning 22 this year… that seems quite unlikely. Especially since that means that I have to be pregnant by this time next year and I find that quite unlikely. Although I would be completely blessed if I found that kind of happiness in my life in the next year of my life.
I’ve been working really hard at trying not to dwell on being alone. I mean… after all the stuff that I’ve gone through I guess I can’t help but be grateful that I’m not broken and depressed because of a guy right now. Despite how stressful work and school are, I’m glad that I have them.
I’m working really hard at paying off the debt that I still have because of Dustin. It’s difficult that he never paid me back for anything that he owed me, but I hope that he’s back on his feet and doing well. I hear that he’s getting more hours at work and I can’t help but be happy for him. Although… I still have another two thousand to go before I’m done paying off “his” debt, I’m doing good. I’m working hard and when this is all done I can finally have a clean slate. Free from everything that I have gone through in my past.
I’m taking the most ridiculous class this quarter with HDP 191, but it’s amazing too. I start my days surrounded by the most adorable little children. They are all between the ages of one and two and they constantly remind me how wonderful God is and how unique we all are. I LOVE being around them. But at the same time it’s really making me think about the fact that it seems so far away for me. There are a TON of people on facebook, people that I went to high school with and they’re all pregnant and/or married and/or already have children. How is that possible!?! They’re all the same age that I am or even younger. OMG I feel like I’m running out of time and I’m only 21!!!! sigh.
Plus…. it’s bad when you dream about being pregnant. ARGH.
Anyways… other than that… just doing the best that I can to make it through school. But the dread really kicks in when I think about the fact that I’m graduating… What do I do when I’m done with school? What will I do? Where will I go?
Off to bed. Just needed to get a little off my mind.
