Along with the events of this past month, and the craziness that it’s included has been a desire to really reconnect with God. To be closer to my Lord and Savior and to REALLY remember that, that is who he is. That he’s not some nameless, faceless person far far away, but that he’s close to me and should be something and someone really close to my heart.

I’ve been trying to remind myself that it’s important to take the time to include him in my life. To remember that it takes work and energy to maintain any relationship, and why should I give less to the most important relationship of my life. As a result, I’ve been pushing the goal that every time that I want to do something that isn’t really meaningful, like watch a tv show, read a book, browse the internet, that first, I sit down and I read from the Bible. To really be able to focus all of my energy towards building my relationship first, and then entertaining myself second.

I just wanted to leave with this:

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” Ephesians 3: 17,18

I hope that this year will be a blessed one. Full of promises anew and the devotion to be more like him who strengthens us!!!!

It’s odd thinking about how much changes from each time that I post something.

Lately more than things like, oh, I’m not friends with Nate anymore or that Dustin and I aren’t talking. I have been thinking a lot about my life and where I’m at right now.

With Valentine’s Day I’ve really been thinking about where I wanted to be at this point in my life when I was younger. It’s not like I’m old now, but sometimes I definitely feel that way. When I was little, ever since I was in elementary school I knew what I REALLY wanted out of life. I wanted to find the man of my dreams, get married, have beautiful children and be a fantastic wife/mom. NOW…. before there are cries of outrage, I’m not the an feminist’s dream. I LOVE the idea of being a great mother and wife, especially if I can stay at home with my kids and not have to worry about working.

I always thought that I could achieve this dream and be in a serious relationship by now. Be married and have my first child by like.. 23, but seeing how I’m 21 and turning 22 this year… that seems quite unlikely. Especially since that means that I have to be pregnant by this time next year and I find that quite unlikely. Although I would be completely blessed if I found that kind of happiness in my life in the next year of my life.

I’ve been working really hard at trying not to dwell on being alone. I mean… after all the stuff that I’ve gone through I guess I can’t help but be grateful that I’m not broken and depressed because of a guy right now. Despite how stressful work and school are, I’m glad that I have them.

I’m working really hard at paying off the debt that I still have because of Dustin. It’s difficult that he never paid me back for anything that he owed me, but I hope that he’s back on his feet and doing well. I hear that he’s getting more hours at work and I can’t help but be happy for him. Although… I still have another two thousand to go before I’m done paying off “his” debt, I’m doing good. I’m working hard and when this is all done I can finally have a clean slate. Free from everything that I have gone through in my past.

I’m taking the most ridiculous class this quarter with HDP 191, but it’s amazing too. I start my days surrounded by the most adorable little children. They are all between the ages of one and two and they constantly remind me how wonderful God is and how unique we all are. I LOVE being around them. But at the same time it’s really making me think about the fact that it seems so far away for me. There are a TON of people on facebook, people that I went to high school with and they’re all pregnant and/or married and/or already have children. How is that possible!?! They’re all the same age that I am or even younger. OMG I feel like I’m running out of time and I’m only 21!!!! sigh.

Plus…. it’s bad when you dream about being pregnant. ARGH.

Anyways… other than that… just doing the best that I can to make it through school. But the dread really kicks in when I think about the fact that I’m graduating… What do I do when I’m done with school? What will I do? Where will I go?

Off to bed. Just needed to get a little off my mind.

How to even begin?

At least for now, I need go to studying for my massive amounts of midterms.

At least a peak into life.

[1] working at Victoria’s Secret

[2] got into the lab that I REALLY needed to graduate on time

[3] finally moved on from Dustin. Still think his girlfriend is dumb as bricks, but what can we do.

[4] reconnected with Nathan.

[5] … making new friends. trying to maintain the old. and loving all of them.

[6] need to slow down from the going out all the time with Gareth and Erin.

Ok… studying it is.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written and honestly there are so many things that I don’t even know how to write them…

School has been just the same as always. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I do it because I have to or because I enjoy it. There has just been so much homework and reading that I don’t really get the chance to get any rest before I need to continue moving forward.

At the very least I’m only taking 3 classes this quarter and so I can hopefully do a little bit more breathing than if I had taken my original 4 or 5 classes.

Things with Dustin are just the same as always. Always changing and never easier.

He told me the other night that he loves Nicole. And she loves him too. I had asked him during spring break whether or not he loved her. I struggled with the idea of him telling her that he loved her when I wasn’t allowed to say it to him until it meant that I wanted to be with him forever. He told me no and apparently …  because I’m fantastic like that … he took what I said to heart and thought about it and came to the realization that he loved her.

How can I be angry? How can I be upset about something that I understand.

Love is so beyond explanations of any kind and yet… I want so desperately to hate them both.

I have come to terms with the fact that I bent over backwards to try and get him to love me again… and yet I can’t really see any good that I did.

All I ever did was hurt myself and put myself in the position to get hurt over and over again.

Even so… I can’t think of taking things back because I wanted so much for him to be happy and to be able to find what he wanted in life. I can’t take it back simply because he decided that what made him happy in life wasn’t me.

He told me that ….

I think I’m going to do some reading and get my mind off this.

Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go

Just more depressing stuff…. in case you want to pass on that. lol

So I kept Dustin up last night while both of us should have been sleeping so we could get up in the morning.

So he’s moved on, but I haven’t. I’m not ready to, I don’t want to.

I guess it just hurts in unspeakable measures because… we didn’t break up so that we could move on. We broke up so that he could get his life put back together and that I could focus on school. Not so that we could move on and find other people… I can’t help but regret more every day that I broke up with him.

How stupid do you have to be to let go of something that you don’t want to lose?

I encouraged my friend to go on a break with her boyfriend because they were having issues, but who am I to blame her that she went back to him after a break… where they spent all their time together. Who wants to lose the person that they have? Who wants to feel like they are letting their grip loosen on something that you want for the rest of your life?

You know how you have puzzle pieces and you’re looking for that piece that fits that one spot. Well, once in awhile you come across a piece that fits and you’re super excited because you feel like you’ve been looking forever? Well, then you look really carefully at the picture on the piece and realize that it’s not the right one.

That’s how I feel about going out and looking for a boyfriend.

I really want someone… but I feel like I already found my piece and… anyone else would be a piece that would seem like it would fit, but wouldn’t be the right one.

Too bad he thinks that I’m the wrong piece. I doubt he even thinks that I fit at all. I’m like that stupid piece that is totally the opposite of what you’re looking for when you are shifting through the pieces.

I’ve been trying really hard to be positive… but since I told him that I wouldn’t bring it up again… this seems like the best outlet. Why make someone listen to this when… I can have it here instead.

ARGH!

Ok… I need to stop thinking about this. It’s just…. depressing and more depressing and it never gets any better.

I need PMA. Positive Mental Attitude.

I can do this…. or not -.-”

I need to focus on something else… time to do some homework

We went in and it was… not that full at all. We looked at each other and kind of thought how good can this EM be if there aren’t any people here. It slowly filled as the service began late. A little skeptical, but feeling good at being in church for the first time in awhile, I just let myself go.

There were a few things that really struck at my heart.

1. I was really hit by this song, which I had never heard before, and decided I needed to find as soon as I got home.

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I’m calling,
Lord, you catch me when I’m falling,
And you’ve told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I’m calling,
Lord, you catch me when I’m falling,
And you’ve told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I’m calling,
Lord, you catch me when I’m falling,
And you’ve told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

2. The sermon was surprise surprise.. done by a woman. Something that I hadn’t ever encountered before, despite the countless churches that I have attended. Pastor Sandy Du, was the principal of a Magnetic Elementary School and a shockingly powerful speaker. Humble and yet full of life, she gave a sermon on the resurrected King.

[I need to butt in for a second here and mention the fact that I just watched this anime series called Linebarrels of Iron. Very Gundam mixed with Love Hina, but within the story, they talk a lot about how humanity is no better than machines, if they have no imagination or will to exceed as an individual. That once you become part of a herd, part of the norm, even though you are still breathing and technially a human, you have lost humanity.]

3. In the sermon, Principal Sandy talked about life and death. And how so many of us live in a despair. How we go about our lives doing the ordinary, not feeling joy or life within us. Living death.

But because of the power of Jesus, the resurrected king, we are called to live extraordinary lives. We need to make a choice between life and death. We cannot live a life that is full of death and despair.

So through God we can live joyful, full, abundant lives. We can truely live. Not just going through the mundane aspects of life. Not just breathing, not just existing.

And because of our belief in God, not only do we have the choice to live an abundant life, but we are called to bring life to those around us through our words, thoughts, actions and emotions.

I am constantly amazed at the way God works in my life.

I have faltered so many times in my faith, in my walk with him. Yet I have never ceased to believe that he exists and is there for me. I always believe that he is there, watching everything that I do, watching over me as I go throughout life.

And I think that he thought I needed some encouragement.

That I needed someone to pour some life into me and to pull me out of my despair and darkness. My life of living death.

Between school and all the emotional things going on in my life, I have felt my life slowly pouring out of me. And I realized that when I’m too down to let God touch me, then I’m at a place, where I negatively affect those around me, by doing nothing. By not affecting them at all. And by not reaching out and touching those around me, I’m not living the kind of life that I was called to live.

4. In addition to this. She mentioned that a career should not define who we are. That God has plans for our lives that go beyond a specific occupation. And that when we allow ourselves to be defined by our occupation, we lose ourselves when we lose our job.

She was a teacher who had become a principal, and knew that God was calling her somewhere else, so this month, along with many others in the LA district, she recieved a pink slip and los ther job.

Despite this difficult time, she was at peace. Totally calm and ok with what had happened, because she knew it was something that God had done in her life.

I have been struggling a lot recently because I felt like my health wouldn’t allow me to do anything that I wanted out of life. That all the occupations, desires, dreams and goals that I wanted out of life, I wouldn’t be able to pursue. I had felt hopeless to a point where I didn’t know what I would be able to do in life. If I would ever be happy.

And now I’m finding myself more at peace.

Obviously, I still worry. But I think that now I can finish school, one class at a time, and I can, through God, accomplish anything in life.

5. On a very different note… I talked to my dad. Told him that Alison and I weren’t friends anymore. Not the details of what had happened. But I mentioned that I had gone to visit her the other week and that we were no longer talking. That we were vastly different people from who we used to be. Or at least she is and I am different/same enough that I have a difficult time accepting her changes.

It was a bittersweet conversation, being able to talk to my dad. I continuously attempt to create a better relationship between my parents and myself. Having lost so much time to do this already in my life, it’s something really important to me. I try and call home often, keep them updated on school and here and there tell them about how I’m doing.

6. I guess the last thing that I wanted to mention… I talked to Ryan. I told him not to wait for me. That I didn’t want him to wait in vain, that I knew what it was to wait and it wasn’t a pain that I wanted him to feel. He told me that he felt that the best things in life are worth waiting for, and although he knows that Dustin has a place in my heart, I have a place in his as well. And like I thought Dusitn was worth it, he thinks that I’m worth it too.

It’s upsetting to know that I hurt him by being less than what he wants from me. That he cares about me enough that being able to be my friend and having me as a part of his life, overweighs the pain of waiting for someone who’s heart is already taken.

I hope that he will find someone who is worth his love.

Someone that can be for him what I can’t be.

I feel like my life has been really overwhelming lately, but I haven’t even been able to sort through my thoughts at all. I feel like I would be able to make more peace with the situation, if I sat down and thought about each thing. So I guess I’ll just do a list.. cause lists are fun like that. [and it might help clear things from my previous entry about some random things here and there from last weekend...]

1.This past weekend.

This past weekend was… horrible on so many different levels. I went up to UCLA to visit Alison. I figured that it would be a good idea to see her before she went up to Norcal to train with the Santa Clara team. She’s been dreaming almost her entire life of being in the Olympics and she’s getting there step by step. So…. since she’s my best friend I thought that it would be a good idea.

I went and Thursday was fantastic. It was amazing meeting up with her for lunch and meeting Max, this guy that she really really likes. We hung out in-between her classes and grabbing In-and-Out and going on a beer run, before inviting her friends over to her apartment and throwing just another one of their normal house parties. I met a bunch of her friends and everything was good.

Except one thing… she kept introducing me as her friend from high school. She was my best friend… despite the distance and time that had between times when we talked and hung out, I never thought that had changed. Until I met her old roommate and was introduced to her as “college” vs. me, who was “high school.”

Feeling a little down, but ignoring it I tried to make the best of the rest of the weekend.

Friday was rough… but I made it through, with the help of a lot of texts, phone calls and time spent on aim…

Saturday is when things went downhill, faster than I could even blink. We went to a friend’s birthday dinner and on the way there, it was decided that after a weekend of her feeling pressured and stressed out from her friends, to spend time with EVERYONE before she left, that she wanted to really hook up with someone and go to a frat party that her co-worker had invited her to. So it was decided. We dressed up… or down [depending on what you think of the small amounts of clothing worn....] and headed out. She told me, Gloria you need to get wasted with me and we’ll find cute boys to hook up with. Well, her alcohol tolerance is much higher than mine and after being mostly ignored, I decided that one of her co-workers Jess was my new best friend. So her and I  drank more and danced and just had a lot of fun. Unfortunately… being as drunk as I was. When we were taken back home, Alison disappeared back off to the party to hook-up with one of her co-workers and that left me in her apartment alone.

Her brother Darin, along with two of her friends, had decided to walk us home and since he was tired and somewhat drunk decided to stay the night. Well, Darin’s pretty cute and so when he made a move on me… I didn’t fight him. I ended up sleeping with him. Something that I still have not gotten over. I’m not someone who sleeps around or thinks it’s ok for me to ever do anything like that. Struggling with what had happened and the fact that I was too intoxicated to stop it from happening, I have made the decision that I will never drink again… at least for now.

We’ve all had a morning where we felt so sick that we decided that we would “never drink again”… but the next morning was a sober one. Alison started texting me and I had wondered where she was since she had never come home. Asking whether or not she had hooked up with her co-worker, I was told that not everyone was as lucky as I was. Apparently she had come home the night before and heard us and left. After confirming the fact that it was indeed her brother, she told me. I’m coming home soon, you probably don’t want to be there when I get back. Text me once you’re done.

That’s the last I’ve ever heard from her. I’ve apologized, but there’s not much that I can do. I know that what I did was wrong, but in all honesty, there are worst parts of the weekend than making her upset. I did something that I found morally wrong and I have to deal with the guilt of that. That’s my burden to bear, not someone else’s.

On top of that… Alison’s changed so much from when I knew here. She became my best friend when she first came to public school. It was freshman year of high school and she had been home-schooled her entire life. I brought her out of her shell and introduced her to people. Gave her friends and people to hang out with. Since she’s gotten to UCLA she has started drinking massively, smoking pot, and has also tried e, coke, shrooms and is planning on dropping acid with her roommate.

I mourn the loss of my best friend, but also of the person that I used to know. And my relationships with her entire family.

2. Dustin

I’m still trying to figure out things with Dustin.

Tonight was an eye opener for me. There was a part of me that took for granted the fact that I knew that we cared about each other. Even thought we aren’t together, I love him with all my heart and as my best friend, he’s the one person that I always look out for. I can’t think of anyone else in my life that knows me inside and out. Who can tell me how I feel or what I’ll do, almost better than I can.

Tonight he told me that he really really likes Nicole. Well… obviously I knew that they liked each other since they are dating. But I underestimated the amount that they cared about each other. I honestly, and not in a derogatory way thought that it was something light, short-term, not very serious. But apparently it is.

And discovering that makes my heart hurt in way that I barely can explain to myself.

After falling apart on the phone and hanging up because I was crying so hard, I went to the bathroom to take a shower, thinking that it would make me feel better. Instead of relieving myself of the numbness, I collapsed in my bathtub and cried until I thought my heart would break. Finally, using the walls to support me, I managed to stop myself and pull myself up, shower and leave.

Feeling clean, but still numb… I fought to hold the tears back and tried to concentrate on other things.

I care about him. Deep down inside… despite the fact that I don’t want him to be with Nicole, I want him to be happy, ENOUGH for me to be ok with him being with her. She’s a good person. I don’t think she’s pretty, but there’s nothing else that I can really fault her for. I’ve been talking to her and she seems like a good person. I hope that they’ll be happy together for however long they are together… and I hope that I can support them as long as they are.

As long as Dustin’s a part of my life… I don’t know.

I don’t know my life without him in it. So angry that I felt so hurt I decided that I wasn’t going to talk to him… that successfully lasted about half an hour before I cracked and called him so that I could talk to him. Even when he hurts me… he’s the one that can bring a smile back on my face.

All I can do for now is to be there for him. To be his BFFL and to hope that that can be enough… for both of us.

3. Ryan

Ryan… the other man in my life. haha.

Ryan’s fantastic in SO many ways. In many ways the ideal person for me to date. It took him time to warm up to me, but we talk all the time. He’s sweet, considerate and he cares a lot about me. For someone who likes me, he’s put up with WAY more than he should have. He’s been there to hold me while I cried, to sit and listen while I ranted in anger, to cheer me up when I was down and to just enjoy my company when I was in a good mood. Not to mention, carry me to the bathroom and get me water and overall just sit and hold my hand while I was dying with a fever for the last week.

Ironically enough, there is a LOT about Ryan that is similar to Dustin. When I talk to him about Dustin or when I just look at him, Ryan can see similarities as well as myself. I don’t know whether or not this is a good thing. Dustin and I loved each other and we couldn’t make it work… will those characteristics that line up in these two be something that will cause problems for Ryan and I?

I have no idea…

But I can honestly say… I don’t think that we will ever date. I look at him and our relationship and how close we’ve gotten and I feel like it would be easier to date him. He really cares about me, I can see it and he tells me and I would have to be a fool to not believe him. He was so upset and angry and hurt about this past weekend and what I had done and who could blame him. Yes, he’s not my boyfriend, but I could understand his emotions. Despite all the angry words and the pushing and everything…. I was never really that upset with him. I was just devesated to think that I might lose him as a part of my life. When he apologized to me the next day I had told him not to wait for me and  he said “As for waiting, I don’t know if we’ll ever get together, but should you be ready someday there will always be a place for you.”

How can you ask for that!? You CAN’T. To have a friend who knows that because you’re struggling that they should be your friend and is willing to be. Not to push the fact that he wants to be in a relationship with you, but to help you with everything that he’s got and to just feel lucky that you’re a part of his life.

I feel so lucky and yet… I feel guilty.

He deserves to have someone who really cares about him, to love him and to be with him. I’m such a poor substitute… I have so many things going on in my life and as much as he wants to help… there is only so much that he can do for me.

4. School

Being sick has brought up something that I had hidden away.

My mom brough up again that she wants me to leave UCSD. The first two years that I was here, everytime I got sick, my mom asked me to leave and go to CC, but this time she told me to transfer to CSUN. Cal State Northridge… so close to home and my family. I can understand where she’s coming from. Everytime she hears from me, I’m sick. And not always just a small cough or a running nose, but a series of colds, flus, viral infections and more.

I was in the ER first night in San Diego for petes sake. It’s not difficult to understand her worries.

But I’ve fought her to stay here. I told her that I didn’t want to leave and as my body slowly faded more and more, my immune system dropping even further with each illness, I continued to work to stay alive while going to school.

I feel like I may have finally hit the end of my rope. I am burning out and so quickly, that I don’t know what to think. I feel like I would regret it for the rest of my life if I left, especially having gotten so far, but… will I have the ability to finish? I feel like I would burn out before then. That I would just fall apart and hit a point where I wouldn’t ever be able to go to grad school or do anything else that I wanted in life.

All of high school I felt like I could do anything. You could ask anyone. I could take on the world. And yet now I feel like, not only can I NOT do that, but I can’t even do the small things that I want to do. Here I am, right before finals, struggling to even function. I still have a term paper to write [and that's with an extension] and finals to study for. Even being up this early… I can’t even do anything really useful, my brain doesn’t have the ability to focus or function. My body is still struggling to keep my with me and I spend half the day in bed and the other half barely able to finish any of the tasks that I start.

I have almost completely made up my mind to stay here. And to work on changing my schedule and trying to spread things out as much as I can over the quarters and the summer to make sure that I maintain my health… but we’ll see. I am still planning on looking into transferring over spring break..

Well… I definitely thought about things… but I don’t think I have any more clarity than I did before… sleep will probably help. Going to bed. Good night world… and good morning to those getting up.

Can you tell me how we got in this situation
I can’t seem to get you off my mind
All these ups and downs they
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was an easy ride

After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving
After all

Can we get back to the point in this conversation
Where we saw things through each other’s eyes
Cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
We all need some place we can hide inside

After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving

I’m smart enough to know that life goes by
And it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind
If you feel I’m letting go, just give me time
I’ll come running to your side
Can you tell me how we got into this situation
I can’t seem to get you off my mind

After all, we’re only human
Always fighting what we’re feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we’re only human
Is there any other human

GOALS

1. Lose weight. Current weight: 120 lbs
2. Finish term paper and turn in on Wednesday by 5 pm
3. Make it alive through finals.
4. …. Heal instead of hurting.

This weekend was supposed to be amazing… be this experience that was supposed to be a high point in my life.

With how difficult things have been recently with recovering from the break up and just general stress, I figured this would be a good change of pace. Go to UCLA, visit Alison, spend time with her before she went to NorCal.

And so… I went to UCLA, but after that, it just kind of all fell apart.

I’ll probably talk about it more later…. I don’t really have it in me to talk about it right now. To talk about what happened and the fact that I just forever lost my best friend of 6 years. The only person that really knew me inside and out and… was there for me through 4 of the hardest years of my life.

And then to come back and to deal with more stuff down here.

Now I also lost someone that I really care about here in San Diego.

And who knows if Ryan will ever talk to me ever again….

Thank God I at least have my BFFL [we decided that bffl was more correct than bff]…. I would have fallen apart beyond fixing if I didn’t have at least that.

btw… for some reason I REALLY like Right Round by Flo Rida

Dustin was never really a good boyfriend. But he was always a great best friend.

And realizing that allows me to really move on and to be his friend and to know that we can be in each other’s lives without suffering and without hating each other.

I have a bff.

We can be friends and we can continue on with all the good things that we had. Maybe we were never meant to be together the way that we were before. Maybe it’s our friendship that got us this far, and  now that we know what parts were good… we’re keeping those parts?

We can still talk. I can get advice. We can exchange stories, stay in each other’s lives in a way that is not painful, hurtful, depressing or… upsetting in any way.

Granted, I’m not going to lie, there are some parts that I’ll miss that we can’t have now, but I think it’s for the better.

Now I can be happy for him… and work at not disliking Nicole so much. Who knows.. maybe I’ll even like her at some point, but lets not ask too much for now?

And honestly…. I feel like I’m healing. Actually moving on and continuing in my life without feeling so lost. Without crying myself to sleep, or feeling depressed and alone.

A new chapter in our lives….